There were hot air balloons floating on the horizon to the east as I made my way from home this morning to the tram stop. I sat on the tram and looked out the window. As usual there was a motley collection of people, young students, tourists with maps in their hands, a pregnant couple, professionals in their suits. I listened to my iPod. Nirvana played followed by a violin sonata by Beethoven. Some jazz followed, You Don't Know What Love Is while I recalled moments passed the music had triggered.
I walked into the building where I work. There is a high ceiling preserved from the old structure in the modern building. Schoolgroups come inside sometimes to gape at the dome and to make notes on it. This morning there were no students, just the likes of me making our way into the office. As always music played - this morning it was Vivaldi. I walked along the marble floor my footsteps ring hollowly as I hurried along. As I have sometimes before I pondered the cloistered feel of the place, something essentially silent and solemn even when full of people. Perhaps that was appropriate for a work environment, perhaps not, but it changed as I took the lift up to the more banal office space.
It is now lunch. I doubt I will leave the building for it today. My head is full, my neck sore - sure sign I am coming down with something. My head is full of other things too, busy running around trying to make things work. That usually emboldens me - I enjoy the challenge - but today I am simply tired. I will make this work, am driven to make the square pegs I have been handed fit into the round holes I am provided with.
Beyond that I am beginning to think. I wonder what I want. There are some things I am certain of. I wonder otherwise though. I feel restless, my curse. I wonder if I should be giving more time to the things within me which feel so important. They are hard coded within me, but are neglected in doing other things, in driving my career forward, in the competitive zeal that rouses me to effort time and again.
I won't make any decision yet. My house is for sale. I'll take a break in March to put my feet up and reflect. Maybe I'll take another trip mid-year - that has a certain allure. Or maybe I will do something more modest, but in keeping with the person inside me.
I think I'm good at what I do, but then I'm smart and I'm focussed and I don't like to fail. It's reflex. I think it's inevitable that the part of me that is creative must be given more expression. It's who I am, and who I feel myself to be more and more. That's the choice really, not if perhaps, but when, and quite likely how.
Before then there are things I must do. I have set myself. Done and I will move on, that's my gut feel.
