I'm in bed writing this. I lay here and finished a book about 10 minutes ago. Normally I would have snapped off the light and gone to sleep without another thought. Tonight I couldn't. I felt unsettled, restless. At times like these my mind turns in upon itself. To write is natural in the absence of actually doing anything. This blog becomes an instrument of my edification.
Why am I restless? Something in the book resonated with me, but there is much at the moment to resonate with. It is too difficult to untangle the complex web of feelings and thoughts that lead me here. I am not in a bad way, I am quite composed. I feel focussed and strong. My sense of self is strongly intact. What bemuses - and occasionally confuses - are the myriad disparate strands of thought, sensation and feeling being plucked at. I can't explain, but I can list.
So, some of the things:
- My mum's cancer, and her call a couple of nights ago from Honolulu explaining how she is struggling.
- Memories of my mother when she was the age I am now, attractive and vibrant, her hair permed and living a vital existence.
- A nuisance friend of hers chasing me up tonight for news and then a phone number for her abroad.
- A friend - 2 in fact - sharing that they felt lost and questioning with the new year.
- Wondering why for all my complexity I am so resilient - why am I the strong one?
- Have I become too self-sufficient?
- Thinking I should be more open, less afraid of expressing my feelings to the world.
- Wishing there was someone with whom I could share the the small but important bits and pieces I become passionate about. None of my friends share that passion.
- Anger at my sister for leaving me a dog rife with fleas.
- Disappointment at another friend for not being there.
- Wondering at all the sex I have been having lately, is it wrong? Why can't I resist? Should I resist? Do I have it in me to resist?
- Remembering women past as the planets align and people ask innopportune questions to remind me.
- Wishing I could write better.
I've probably left things out there, but it gives the idea. These are ever-present, over-lapping and intersecting in my mind. I don't have the answers, my brain heats up, I become restless.