Hieronymous the Anonymous

Lament: I coulda done better

I was woken up last night at about 3.30 by Rigby wanting to go out. He's pretty clever letting me know about this. Generally he'll come stand by the bed looking at me. If I don't respond straight away were he has this trick of running out of the room and then returning and repeating the whole thing until I twig he wants to go out. Anyway, I let him out, he did his thing, and I went back to bed.

I wasn't at all sleepy. I lay there feeling alert, but comfortable. My mind wandered as it does at such times, and returned to a conversation I'd had the previous afternoon.

I was in the city yesterday for a number of reasons. In the afternoon I caught up with one the guys who used to work for me for a cup of coffee. We still keep in contact, and occasionally catch up for a coffee or a drink after work. We exchange stories and he gives me the inside dope on what's happening on the job.

What he told me yesterday had me thinking that a lot had declined since I left. Of course I've been getting progress reports all the way through and been disappointed just about every time, but yesterday took the take. From he tells me the IT department I once managed is coming apart at the seams - one of the tech guys fired a few weeks back (which should have happened 12 months ago), and the guy who was my 2IC likely to be dismissed in the next few days. On top of that it's rumoured that the current IT manager is looking to jump ship and is actively seeking other opportunities. And all this amid an environment of discontent inside and outside of the team, system downtime, stalled projects, and bureaucratic processes.

I suppose I shouldn't care, but the fact is I can't divorce myself from what we managed to do there. I walked into the role with the previous incumbent given his marching orders for non-performance. My brief was largely to right the ship, but I took it a lot further than that. I found I had very definite ideas about how IT should interface with the business, and looked to implement them. At the same time I oversaw some structural changes and initiated some significant projects. Perhaps the best part of my job was getting an unhappy and under-performing team motivated and engaged. I had big plans and wanted them to be a part of it - and they happily climbed aboard.

Looking back now I severely regret engaging this guy as IT manager to take over from me. At the time I believed the company needed an IT manager that could engage with the top end of the company to better leverage the potential of IT. He had the corporate background his rival didn't, and so we went with him. I see that as a big fail on my part.

I learned after I left the company that a lot had been left off his CV which might have made a difference, but there have been other issues which we should have been aware of had we properly looked and asked the right questions.

My biggest beef with him - let's call him X - is his lack of leadership and/or management skills. This is something we should have been smarter about. Fact of the matter is that X is a reserved type, and never going to be one of the boys. That's ok, but there has to be some engagement between the manager and the people who work for him. He has to be prepared to put his own interests aside to promote the interests of the group. Ideally there is some rapport, even warmth, but it is not vital. In my experience respect and confidence are the two vital attributes of the manager/employee relationship: respect for your ability and confidence that you'll do the right thing.

Unfortunately it became pretty obvious early on that X didn't much care for the needs of the people working for him, and he made no real attempt to hide that (in fact I think he's very self-serving). I had sought to motivate the guys by giving them particular responsibilities, parts of the business they owned. This gave them a stake in what they were doing, a sense of purpose and pride, and it helped them to further develop their skills. They thrived with this. Unfortunately this is one of the first things that changed when X came in. Basically they all became a lump of resources at his disposal.

My next beef with him is that he seems to do everything from a book. He seems incapable of having ideas for himself. That's resulted in him applying very rigorous and unwieldy processes and controls perfectly appropriate for a large corporation such as where he came from, but ridiculous for a much smaller organisation with limited resources. He seems incapable of recognising the difference and of creating a customised solution to meet the specific needs of the business. In hindsight I would suggest that he's not particularly creative or imaginative or flexible in the way he thinks and approaches issues. In short I think he's good for some roles - structured, predictable roles - but not for an IT management role.

My final beef is with his judgement and decision making, which appears to be extraordinarily bad. The result of all this is a list of projects half finished and with little prospect of being completed in the short term. He's got involved in things he had no business too, and neglected things in his own back yard.

An example. When I was in the seat I had tentatively agreed to a SharePoint upgrade urgently needed, which would cost about $45,000 and would be completed inside of 2 months. I held off on committing to it out of courtesy to the incoming manager - X - who would be in the seat when it was due to kick off. Naturally he scrapped that and engaged another mob who quoted $30,000 and promised to have it live within 6 months.

Well, it's a difference in philosophy I guess - I was happy to pay the premium to get it done sooner and with a company we had an existing relationship with. He chose to go with another and the result is that 12 months down the track it is still not done and looks a fair way off. Turns out the work is being done in India - something he wasn't aware of until after the fact.

Early days I think he was intimidated by my continued presence and personality. We are very different people. I was popular with my team and through the company - in general I am much more personable than him. That's not a criticism, just a reflection on our different personalities. I am much more dynamic also, more creative, and a lot more aggressive in looking to make things happen. Once more this is simply a difference in our personalities. My background was broader than his, and I was more intellectual in my approach than he - while being more flexible in my thinking.

I think early on he sought to differentiate himself from me. I think that's why the deal I brokered was thrown out, and he chose to go his own way. Well it's his baby, and he's entitled to do that - but it should be for the right reasons. I'm very disappointed, particularly as I still feel a sense of ownership. We did some great things, I was proud of myself and the team - and now it feels like it's been trashed.

That's life I guess, and it's not completely his fault - it should not have been allowed to happen. That comes down to who manages him. Unfortunately the metrics I recommended be adopted to track and measure IT performance were never adopted - and so while I go on like this the senior management remain largely in the dark, knowing only what they've been told, and knowing no better.

Shit happens I guess.

To be or to be something else

Image by elycefeliz via Flickr

As I got out of the car yesterday outside my sisters my phone rang. It was some guy who had called me a couple of weeks ago about a job he had going. He had heard about me somewhere and wanted to ask me a few questions. Mindful that I should be hedging my bets I answered his questions as I walked home through the rain. Yesterday he had one more question to put to me, and potentially a job offer.

I'm not sure how this should make me feel, but in reality I felt very little. It was not really something I wanted to think about, and so I didn't. I hung up from our conversation and went up to see my sister.

This is quite a common experience. At regular intervals I get calls or emails from people inquiring about my work status and about if I would be interested in this job, or that. Almost always I respond positively to them, if only because I don't want to rule anything out.

I don't want these jobs though, not even the best of them. When I find myself in serious contemplation of what is being offered me I feel somehow diminished, as if that way lies defeat. Why then do I even consider these opportunities? Because I must.

Working for yourself is a precarious existence, particularly during an economic downturn of this magnitude, and doubly so when you're just starting off. There are no guarantees, and no certainty. Thus far I've got by with bits and pieces, dearly bought with my time and effort. None of it is easy. In the meantime I've sacrificed a lot to be in the position I am today. Even if I get this project I spoke of yesterday that is just one thing, a thing that has to be repeated over and over again, and if I am to truly prosper, multiplied two, three, four times over. None of this is handed to me, everything must be worked for, even the smallest of opportunities.

Yet I enjoy it. On the upside there is great potential. The business model is sound, there is a need in the market for what I offer - even if the market doesn't know it yet. If everything hits the spot then I'll come out of this both very satisfied and pretty well off. They're good enough reasons in themselves to do what I do, but in reality the greatest satisfaction comes from being my own boss. I feel as if this is something I was made to do. It's not that I think have this great wisdom to share - I know my stuff, but most of it is common sense mixed in with a unflappable temperament and a dash of imagination. All I do is mine though, and as far as I can see in any direction there are no limits on what I can do - and that's who I am. I revel in that freedom, I was made to go my own way.

It's hard now I have a true taste of it to contemplate working for the man again one day. I am free, why would I want to be caged again? Well I guess the sensible answer to that is for the security and predictability a steady job provides. I know what to expect from a proper job, even if it is not what I want. As it is I don't know what next week or next month or next year has in store for me going it alone. Let's face it, there is every possibility that my venture will fail - then what?

And so when I get these calls I respond if only to keep the option open. There is that sinking feeling though. What if I must go back to that? How would I cope?

I don't know the answers to that. Could I go back to working within constraints again? That's always been one of my issues, as if I was in a box I struggled to get out of. I've always felt myself to be much more than the job description I was given, and willing to give a lot more than what it promised - which is often frowned upon. Could I tolerate my horizons shrinking before my very eyes? This is how much you'll earn, and no more, this is your career path, and no different.

This is my dilemma. It's sensible to keep an open mind on these jobs, but what if I get offered one? And yet can I blithely persist with my own plans hoping they'll come good? And for how long? Should I be sensible? Should I continue to dare? Should I back myself to the hilt, and beyond, or should I accept that some things cannot be?

I figure I'll have to find the answers to these questions sometime before Christmas. I know some things. If I must go back into the rat race again then I will do it with a jet pack on my back. You can fuck off your constraints, I won't be boxed, I won't be ambling along. And I'll need something for myself, I know that, if I am to become a job title again, a payroll number, then somewhere in the world I will need something with my name on it, all mine.

Fingers crossed

I had an important meeting last week with a potential new client. I met with him in his office in the middle of an industrial estate out in the suburbs. There I was, dressed in my suit met with the MD of this company, a shortish guy with a paunch wearing a company logo polo shirt. Coffee? he asked me first thing. I pondered the correct answer to that question before going with what I felt, yeah sure, I said.

We made small talk in the small kitchen while he fixed me a mug of nescafe. Then up the stairs we went.

I didn't know what, if anything, this company wanted from me, but I had done my homework in the preceding days and had been impressed. The man in front of me was actually one of the shareholders having bought out the US parent 15 years ago and taken the company since to new heights. He was obviously a smart cookie.

I introduced myself, my company, explained what we do and the philosophy behind it. I asked him a few questions about things I had read in the press, then delved deeper to find how we could him him.

Turns out we - that's the royal we (though I never admit the company is simply me) - happened by at the right time. He explained they were looking to upgrade their accounting system, which was now 10 years old. They had grown significantly in that time and were now wanting to implement a system that would grow with them into this next period and had the additional functionality they wanted. Well then, I thought...

I left after about 45 minutes promising to forward a proposal to them shortly. That's what I have been working on in the last week off and on. I did a bit more research and then composed what was a brief and high level proposal of about 3 pages. I'm careful not to give away too much without having signed on the bottom line, and it's hard to be definitive after such a brief meeting. Still, I was happy with what I came up with.

This would be a good project to get. Till now it has largely been bits and pieces, with nothing substantial enough to hang my hat on and to build around. This is different. I'm proposing to manage the process for them from evaluation through implementation to the post project review. With a bit of luck I'll even manage an ongoing relationship with retainer to assist with business issues as they arise. It's a good chunk of work worth somewhere between 30-50k over the next 3-4 months working part-time on it - much more if they choose to get me on board and managing everything full-time.

What are my chances? About 50-50 I reckon, which are fair odds for a project of this nature. Ideally I would get another one or two like this to work on concurrently, and to engage some of the people I have identified as associates to assist with this. That's the thing, it's a tough road but when it clicks it will be very lucrative. 

Time will tell. No decisions will be made until a board meeting later in the month.

Letting the dogma out

I got a call last night from a friend just started on his MBA. "Do you know about McKinsey's 7 S's?" he asked me.

"Mmm, rings a bell. Maybe." I said. I was watching TV with one eye and reading a magazine with the other and had arrived quite happily at that post-thinking time of day. 

"Mate, it's interesting," he said. "I was thinking maybe you could use when you meet with clients. Makes you sound professional," he said with a laugh.

Well of course I appreciated the input and I dutifully looked it up on the net when I got a chance and read all about it, nodding my head, vaguely recalling it and familiar in any case with the basic principles behind it.

The business world is replete with different theories and philosophies and schools of thought. A surprising number of them are 7 this or 6 that, counted and tallied, or else tidied up into a neat little acronym that everyone can remember. Wander down to your local bookstore and you'll find a large section dedicated to business writing, which is multiplied tenfold by online providers. If there isn't a certification then there is an opinion, or a dozen. Hell search me - I've got 'em to.

I'm not meaning to be flippant. By and large there is a lot of good sense and solid value in these offerings, and there's a lot that is essential reading. In my business I'm now pretty much a perpetual student of these, and I wouldn't bother if I thought they were of no value. It's just that a part of me can't take it completely seriously.

Everyone works in a field with its own vernacular and theory, its own foibles and quirky rules. There's not an industry that doesn't have its own arcane logic that makes perfect sense to those who work in it and nonsense to those who don't. It may be the way of things, but sometimes you need to take a step back to see how deeply enmeshed you are. Try it sometime, it's an interesting exercise.

I've always said the moment I know the acronyms by heart is the moment for me to change jobs. It's always been a throwaway line, but like a lot of glib comments there has always been an element of wistful truth in it. As it happens I've worked across different industries and functions and been exposed to the peculiarity of the different fields more than most. Jumping between these and standing a little apart (even as I'm learning all the damned acronyms) has granted me a valuable perspective.

In my case I need to know the different business theories out there, not just because it is valuable knowledge, but because I need to be able to speak in the common language. And I need to be credible. My background is creative though, which makes me liberal with what I have learnt and free with how I use it. I may manage to squeeze into a round hole - or appear to - but at heart I'm really a square peg, and that works for me.

What I know then, what that creativity and perspective has given me, is the knowledge that no matter how compelling there is no theory or school or philosophy has all the answers. They may be useful in the same way a bird puts together its nest from different bits and pieces, but ultimately you need to break free from dogma to be truly effective. That's my experience.

Use the information, but don't live by it. I find it amazing how many people work by the book, even when it's clearly the wrong book for the issue. It can be hard I know, the book, the dogma, the varieties of theories and schools become a kind of crutch. Not everything fits into the book, the dogma rarely dovetails neatly into any given situation - but nor is it meant to.

These are guides, not instruction manuals. Your value multiplies when you liberate yourself from the narrow focus blind adherence demands of you.

Trust your wits, your experience, your nose and be confident enough to break with established orthodoxies if needs be. Ultimately what you offer is yourself, not what is contained in a textbook somewhere. Be the man.

(Spoken like a true atheist.)

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The working day

Random days where I get calls from Chicago at 7am responding to my inquiry, and emails from India espousing their IT talents. I sit at my desk working, sending and receiving emails, researching things online and creating: sometimes composing a white paper, or a proposal, or another piece of marketing fluff. Today I’m building a brand new website for a client - I can do anything.

In between I go to and fro, both socially and professionally. This morning out first thing in the chilly, fresh wind to make sure some contracts caught the first mail. And then a leisurely coffee reading the latest news in a nearby cafe. Last night the movies, tomorrow night the Taste of Melbourne festival at the Exhibition building, last week a business expo. Calls to make, networking to do, marketing deals to discuss - and wine to drink, good food to sample, and alluring personalities to explore.

Then there is lunch to eat, a bowl of soup perhaps, a sandwich; and later the dog to walk. While he races around the oval like a crazy thing I stretch my legs and think of the things I must do, making a mental list to follow back in the office. People to consult. A call to make. A concept to think about, an article to read. More work and perhaps I’ll adjourn to prepare my dinner later, taking a break listening to an audiobook and thinking more of the things that must be done while my hands slice and dice and mix and stir as if they have memory all of their own.

Tonight then will be quiet, a hot meal while the cold wind blows outside, Rigby snuggling nearby while I chat with someone new, Saturday? Yes, Saturday. Then checking emails again and sending them telling myself, leave it now, take a rest, and so I will sit on the couch and flick on the TV and watch as Rigby surreptitiously sneaks up on the couch and puts his head on my lap to sleep. Where did you come from? Okay then, stuck there now, remote in hand and TV on, warm enough, good enough, the working day coming to a close.

The working day

Image via Wikipedia

I work to a pattern. When I work from home I am awake by 7.30 when I get up, let Rigby out to do his business, make a coffee, and feed him. Like me Rigby knows this routine by now and as soon as he hears the coffee being ground he jumps up on me in anticipation of his breakfast.

With coffee in hand I return to bed, where I will read until I have finished my coffee - usually about 45 minutes. I'll get up properly then and shower, dress, and do my morning exercises before getting some breakfast organised - typically this winter porridge with butter and brown sugar. Delish. I'll take that with me and sitting down in front of my PC(Mac!) will eat it in preparation for a long day of work.

I often wonder what I achieve, but I am always busy and never have enough time. As I did when I worked in an office first thing I do is read my emails and respond as appropriate. I'll check a few other sites including the latest news. Then I'll settle down to whatever task I have set myself for the day.

The tasks vary. It might be some work I am doing for myself, some marketing spiel, maybe a white paper I am writing. Today, for example, I worked on a electronic brochure to send out to interested clients.

Other times I may be making calls or dealing with potential clients or service providers. My mind is always ticking over and I am always searching for a different angle.

Maybe a couple of days a week I do some research. I subscribe to a number of business related sites which I'll follow to see what's going on, and often to educate myself in something new. I download a variety of white papers for my own reference, from server virtualisation to Six Sigma, and I'll notes as I read so that I can retain it. I have a good memory for that sort of information in any case, and manage to hold a lot. I am always trying to squirrel away interesting ideas or concepts, products even, which may come in handy.

Some days, though much less lately, I'll make an effort to do some creative writing, and perhaps to update this blog.

I am very scrupulous. I have a fear of wasting my time. I want to feel productive, and with so much still to do and to learn there is no excuse for slacking off. Most days lunch will slide by until after 1, at which time I'll generally whip up something quick - a sandwich, some soup - and eat it working at my desk. In the afternoon I might make myself a cup of tea, but generally I'll go without it.

I knock off sometime after 5 and usually closer to 6. Occasionally I'll crack a bottle of wine and have a glass at my desk that I'll continue later as I whip up dinner.

I try and get out every day. Often that's as simple as giving Rigby a walk, or wandering up the road to buy some groceries. This morning I popped around the corner for a latte and muffin at the usual cafe. Yesterday I dropped by Mum's at lunchtime to fix her PC. On Wednesday I walked to the library and back.

Sometimes I'll take a break mid-afternoon to prepare dinner while listening to my iPod. I enjoy cooking - I find it therapeutic and satisfying - and so I always enjoy these rare interludes. Generally this will be for more involved and ambitious meals when I have people coming over, or to stick in the freezer.

Occasionally on these days I'll venture out to the city. I have the occasional appointment outside of anything work related. And sometimes, like today, I'll go in to catch with someone for lunch.

Today in fact is a little different for most. I was busy all morning and then left for the city to lunch with Tim and Sam, which we do every 4-5 weeks. We had a nice meal, a few beers, and swapped the usual stories. That went for about 90 minutes.

I wandered into the heart of town then, bought a pair of shoes I had my eye on, then ventured into David Jones Food Hall - one of my favourite places. I enjoy my little city excursions and today was no different. Ambling through DJ's I was reminded on the many occasions I have done this, not to mention the many dollars spent.

Job done I caught the tram home listening to my iPod then responding to an urgent email when back at my desk. I looked then at the things I have to do, and for once digressed from the plan. It was Friday afternoon, I had a couple of beers in me and outside was cold and overcast. Hang it all I thought, or something similar, it can wait. And for once in my life I picked up my book and lay, reading, on my bed.

Throughout all this Rigby is thereabouts, sitting at my feet under the desk or lounging on his mat on the futon behind me, and occasionally going for a run or play outside. Sometimes he'll come up to me with his ears cocked and an intent look on his handsome doggy face and will demand my attention, grabbing me by his crooked paw or standing his hind legs or pushing his head onto my lap, or simply licking at any exposed skin he can find.

Making hay

Some days are more satisfying than others.

I was out early this morning driving through the wind and rain to Frankston. It's a fair hike from where I live - over 50km - but the freeway accounts for about 40km of that and I'm travelling against peak hour traffic so even with the wind and rain I was there in about 40 minutes.

I met with a potential client for a couple of hours and it was very productive. I started for home just on 11 and the trip back was just as swift back as it was going.

Back at home I sat at my desk, answered a few calls and then got down to business. For the next couple of hours I sent off a couple of emails addressing some of the queries and issues raised at this mornings meeting. Then I spoke to Whisky, who is coming on board as a director. As part of that I have to order some business cards for him. I updated my brochure and set up some new email addresses and this afternoon will return to some of my white papers to update and re-format them.

Rigby, who is as good as new today, sits under the desk by my feet. Every now and then he licks my shoes, or looks for some more personal attention. I ruffle his ears while I read and think. In between I've had a late but home cooked lunch. All in all it feels a productive and positive day.

None of this is unfamiliar except working from home - and even that is not entirely foreign from the time I was working as a IT consultant. I don't know how many times over the years I've met with clients, put on my client friendly face and given them the spiel. Or how many thousands of emails I've sent in response to one thing or another. Of course now I'm my own boss I have to do everything, and that's a bit different - but often fun. I enjoy the graphic design stuff, which I'm pretty accomplished at, and enjoy the challenge of marketing myself and the business.

Ultimately the satisfaction is that it's mine. While much of it is familiar it is made to feel new and fresh because I am doing it for myself. For good or bad it's mine alone. There is a feeling of accomplishment, of slowly scaling a mountain that still looms far above me. I am excited at the direct challenge that presents me with, and pleased when each new challenge is met and overcome. There is a long way to go, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I want to make it happen, I want to be the man who scales this mountain and one day to look from its peak at the vista surrounding me, and know that I did it all myself.

That's today. Today I am productive, today the cogs mesh just as they should. Tomorrow, the next day, sometime certainly, it will be more difficult again and I will bang my head against the wall wondering why I ever got into this.

So it is. That's life.

In my own way, today

I had a pleasant day today, for no particular reason. It was typical of recent times.

I was up early and out the door by 9. At 9.30 I had an appointment with a marketing company about some work they propose to do for me. We met in some serviced offices. I was surprised to find the offices were in the old AWB building, where I worked for 6 months over 5 years ago. I was early and so I turned the corner to the little lane way running off the street, where I used to pop out to get my coffee each morning. It was a ritual for me, I would wander down at about 10.30 to a cafe that was little more than a hole in the wall, there I would sit chatting to the barista and clearing my head and drinking my coffee. Perhaps I should not have been surprised, but when I went to find it this morning I discovered it was no longer there.

On my way there I passed by a woman I gave a cursory glance at. Something in her expression made me look again. As we passed I wondered if I knew her. As I turned the corner to the lane way I realised that I did. Looking beyond the hair colour, which is now fair rather than dark, and the years since we last saw each other - 10? - I recognised her as a woman I had worked and become friendly with. I looked back - she had gone.

As I looked for the cafe I pondered her name. Rosa. It was Rosa. I wondered how she had been. I remembered her as a lovely person, but very sensitive. I was a person she had leaned upon with many things, but mainly her relationship with another colleague. As I recollected that I also remembered her surname. I was surprised: my memory is not great for names. I wished I had remembered in time to speak to her. The last time I saw her was on a train I bumped into her - funnily enough when I worked at the wheat board.

The meeting went well. I met with the CEO and owner of the company, an attractive, vivacious and very honest woman. I went into the meeting unsure but with an open mind as to the worth of a partnership. I'm not sold on it yet, but I'm willing to take our discussions to the next level. I was impressed with how up-front she was and understanding of my situation - which was pretty well where she was 5 years ago. I get a proposal from her tomorrow.

From there I dropped by my old CFO, Tim, a quick chat and I left him to travel down St Kilda road to my accountant. Then back into the city where I went by my old company.

I had arranged to catch up with the Financial Controller there, Sam, a mate I occasionally catch up with for lunch or a drink outside of work. Today I wanted to leave one of my marketing presentation packs with him. Basically it's a presentation folder with a colour brochure and the white papers I have written contained inside it. The idea is that I meet with clients and leave it with them. It's been a long time coming, but it looks good.

It's been a while since I visited and so it turned into a bit of an extravaganza. I didn't have a lot of time but everyone wanted to catch up and say hello. As I was about to leave the CFO asked me to pop by. I sat down and he asked me how everything was going. I told him. I found the words flowing from me - it's surprising how much is revealed when we simply open up. I told him it was a hard road to hoe with the economic downturn and all, but that it was invigorating. I told him, quite honestly, that I felt more 'vital' than I had for a long time. I'm in the middle of everything and everything is in my hands, and it's pretty powerful.

The CFO and I didn't always see eye to eye, but it's pretty clear he respected me. He was fascinated by what I'm doing and asked for some of my marketing packs to take with him. He is meeting with KPMG tomorrow, and an insolvency firm, and said he would recommend me to them. I was surprised but very happy to oblige.

Then it was an appointment with my naturopath and then home.

It began to rain in the afternoon. Rigby lay on the futon behind me in the study while I worked at my desk. In between attending to necessary tasks I took the time to further research and learn. I've been cramming all sorts of things into my head these last months. As I said to Sam the FC I've never known as much as I know now, never been sharper. It's sort of fun actually too - I like learning, in my own way. I like knowing things. And so I build upon the things I learned before, and form the connections between them which becomes and dense and intricate knowledge network.

I worked like that very happily through the afternoon, and then got a call from one of my investment advisors wanting me to invest in silver. I wish. He thinks it's going up and I agree. I just don't have the ready dosh. Then as it darkened outside and the rain pattered down I took the bins out and returned inside to read my latest book in a hot bath.

It's a life. Could be better, but it's certainly not bad.

Nowhere to hide

Three months in and it has been an interesting, and occasionally frustrating, venture into the world of self-employment.

I went into it with a particular skill-set and knowledge, not to mention years of experience. That was my product - me - the expertise and insight I had built up over the journey which I was now looking to market to prospective clients. From that perspective it seemed quite simple, but as I have come to realise - and which I should have known - it is hardly as simple as that.

I would argue that with the benefit of the training I have recently undertaken, with the wide reading and self-education I have put myself through, with the investigation into different aspects, that I am at the pinnacle of my expertise. I am the sharpest I have ever been. I know more than I ever have, and am better able to apply it in a practical context than ever before. The product is good, and getting better.

Having a good product is not enough. I have been forced by circumstance to do things I have had no previous experience or exposure to. While I am an expert in some fields, I am an inexpert novice in other areas that have become vital to my success. I have been made to scramble, to learn, ultimately to act to make things happen.

I had a general knowledge of web marketing before this - I am now much more adept. Previously I had been the victim of telemarketing, now I use it to promote and market my business. While I have always had a creative streak I have been forced to hone it in creating the brochures and presentation packs I leave with my potential clients - my graphic design skills have gone through the roof. On top of that I have had to adapt my manner, my patter, to be more like that of the salesman. I am the suitor after all, and the customer is always right.

There have been the small disasters along the way. The month long project I had lined up in Brisbane was indefinitely postponed a couple of days before - and disappearing into thin air was the 20k I had counted on. At another organisation I had cultivated the relationship with some key people to the point that I was on the verge of signing off on a significant and ongoing relationship. Then on Monday I found my contacts had been made redundant and all bets were off.

This is the present environment. Out of uncertainty, fear, most businesses will not commit to new projects or initiatives. Of those already in motion there is much wariness and scrutiny. Everything is cut, reduced, cancelled.

It is my argument in these tough economic times that there is no better time to act. If you must cut - as many businesses must - then plan to do it rather than to act rashly. If you have already cut then let's review the gaps that has left - if you reduce the capacity of the business then the business cannot perform as it did before without managing it. Above all, I urge, make the changes now that will carry your business forward and ready to blossom when bad times turn to good.

It has been an interesting psychological journey also, sometimes invigorating, sometimes terrifying. Having taken this course I have come to conclude that only a certain type of person is suited to  working at their own business.

I guess the primary quality needed is enterprise. It is refreshing to sit in the chair and to know that you cannot rely on anyone else but yourself. There are no off days, you don't earn a salary just by turning up. Nothing happens until you act - until you pick up the phone, send the email, knuckle down to the next piece of work. This is an unfettered life, you live directly by your successes or failures, and so you feel it directly all the way through. That's why it's invigorating sometimes, and sometimes terrifying. You must take the first step, and keep going, knowing that you walk the tightrope with no safety net below.

For this reason you must also have strength of will, self-confidence, faith. It can be mentally exhausting managing all this, knowing that there is no-one else you can turn to for help. The buck stops with you. There are days when it takes an act of will to push through the doubt and uncertainty that inevitably visit. And at times when your expectations are disappointed you just have to take a deep breath and plough on. At the end of the day you need that steely self belief to keep on going.

Doubtless there are other qualities, not the least some kind of intelligence, and hopefully common sense. And perspective - you're in for the long haul.

Having journeyed this far I have found it a richer and more rewarding experience than I would ever have considered. The future is fraught, and I have to scrap every inch of the way, but there is something satisfying in that. There's nowhere to hide. I am not one of many as I have been at the different places I have worked, I am myself, alone. I'm the man, literally, and I feel that I have been used more completely than ever before. I am tested all the time, made to act, now, and as if every facet of my self is engaged in the journey ahead.

In a funny sort of way I feel like a bit of a pioneer, and raw from the experience.

I don't know where things go from here. I have been offered a job - a real job - elsewhere, but would be sad to end this. This is mine and mine alone, it is me. And while potentially I can do very well from this that seems secondary to the strong sense of being my own man and master of my destiny. I can feel the wind in my hair even while I'm wondering how to get some of these recalcitrant clients to sign on the dotted line.

Getting stuck in

Spending much time at my desk these days. Though I have written little of it lately I have not been idle in my efforts at work.

I am now a Microsoft partner. That gives me a few benefits, as well as enabling me to tap into their network, and thereby potentially getting referred clients. As well as that I am meeting with some Microsoft people to discuss in greater detail our relationship, in particular in reference to their Dynamics product. I am fortunate in that I was recommended to them, which has opened doors that might normally be closed to me. I am positioning myself as a boutique consultancy, which I guess is a nice way of saying I'm a one man band.

On top of that I have been in discussions with a variety of potential clients. One I am reasonably confident of securing, once they get their shit together, and with the other a long term and lucrative engagement hinges on whether they get a juicy contract or not. I should know more about that come the end of the month. If everything plays out as I hope then I should be busy till the latter half of the year, and given my rates a little goes a long way. Fingers crossed.

As a sidebar I chatted over a beer with the guy promising me all this work. He clearly thinks well of me - it was ne who recommended me to Microsoft - and has taken to me on a personal level as well. Fine by me. In any case I mentioned to him that I might pop over to England mid-year to catch some of the cricket and have a general poke around. Let me know if you do he said, we'll be able to hook you up with some work over there. So there you go, a working holiday is potentially on the cards.

Other than that I've been sitting here at my desk writing my white papers and opinion pieces for my website. There is some possibility that I may get some published in trade magazines and the like. I've had good feedback.

It's hard work though. I have a lot of unfiled information in my head. Documenting this in a meaningful and logical way has necessitated a mental review of what I know. I've had to sort and order it in my head, and to actually document the dependencies and outcomes I was aware of but had always looked at in isolation. Though it is all stuff I know, this exercise has forced me to learn, and has been very valuable. I now have 3 pieces just about completed, and having articulated the concepts and theories on paper I am now in a much better position to apply them.

That's where I'm at. I'll feel better when I have clients who have signed on the dotted line, but I can't help but feel it's just around the corner. Isn't that what the clairvoyant said? In any case I feel very sharp, and as always, pretty confident.

On Friday I head off to Bali for a few days, so will have a break from this. Get stuck in again when I return.