Mum thinks she will be dead by the end of February. She returned from holiday on Friday. She struggled while she was away, feeling a definite deterioration in her health. My sister, who went with her, noted it as well. Now mum is convinced that the end is nigh. I tell her not to jump to any conclusions; wait to talk to the doctor; live for now, not for what might be. She is almost settled in her thinking though. There is an unfussed resignation to her.
I continue to think she has longer than that, as I have from the start. What if I'm wrong though? What if she's right?
This is what I have to face now. I'd conditioned myself to a date somewhere out in the future. Now I have to adjust that, and my mind starts to spin. It feels real all of a sudden, and unreal at the same time. And I think if it's true then I have to make this time count. I need to be there for her, and for me. Something awful is going to happen that I have no control over, but I need to get some sense of acceptance of it - not closure. I need to steel myself, and need to resolve as much as I can, need to be ready for the moment and the world beyond, a world without mum.
