I had business in Fitzroy yesterday. I was early and had about 20 minutes to kill. To my surprise I found myself thinking about dropping by my old workplace.
I have occasionally been invited to go in on a Friday night and have a drink just like I used to. That's never been an option for me. Another friend and former colleague has suggested I catch up with some of the crew, but that too was never going to happen.
Truth is I'm all over what happened to me there, and in many ways I've gone from strength to strength since leaving. I'm not bitter about anything, and retain fond memories of many people there. Well and good, except when I think of the company I remember the bitter last days I experienced there.
In the last month or so I felt terribly isolated, but also terribly in focus. I felt as if a spotlight followed me wherever I went. I was convinced that people spoke about me behind my back, and that I was the subject of gossip, rumour and innuendo, as well as a good dose of character assassination. I felt exposed and unloved, unfairly so. It was a terribly uncomfortable feeling. I said nothing though, I maintained my dignity as well as I could and looked to the future.
I've never had another experience close to that, and so it remains with me to this day - complicated of course, and eternally linked to the girl there.
It was a great surprise to find myself contemplating a visit - and pretty bold too, considering. There was an incident about 2 years ago walking down the street I found a bunch of senior staff from there approaching - my ex-boss and HR - and they shunned me. I shrugged my shoulders at the time, but realised the depth of unreasoned antipathy towards me. Why would I willingly go back and put my head back in the lions mouth?
Good question. Despite what happened two years ago I can't help but believe I thought it worse than it was. When you feel persecuted you jump at shadows. It wasn't pretty, that's for sure, but was it really as bad as all that?
The other reason is more basic: I feel like walking in and looking them in the eye. Here I am, I've done okay regardless, what do you have to say?
And maybe I just want to lance that boil.
I didn't end up doing it yesterday, but might do at some point. It strikes me as something healthy. I recall some motivational guru stating we should attempt to do something we don't want to do every day. We've all got the things we should do, but dread. This is one of those, and to my surprise I'm just about ready to give it a go.
